summer

Dilemma

After fifth grade ended, I was in a bit of a dilemma. When my fifth grade report card came out, and I compared my mediocre grades with my friends, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t good at anything anymore. Before I developed my visual impairment, the main edge I had over my peers was my high level of academic achievement. I was also pretty good at sports such as tennis and volleyball. Even regarding the typical recess and gym games, like four square and kickball, I would be among the MVPs. But some things just require vision. But it didn’t matter to me that much if I now sucked at these elementary school games, as long as I was still smart.

But when fifth grade ended, I realized I was no longer one of the geniuses of the grade. I didn’t know what to do. One part of me urged me to ask my parents to enroll me in some academic camps, or to buy me some more math books so I could do what I did in the past and get ahead of the grade. I wanted to be that smart girl again, who already knew everything that was being taught and the one who had no questions and got everything right.

But another part of me was plagued with self doubt. When I would have that sudden burst of motivation to get ahead, a little voice would surface and whisper, “Kristie, what are you thinking? Why are even thinking about being the best when you know you’re just not smart enough anymore?”. Then, I would recede back into my computer games, embarrassed that I even considered being the top again. I was also petrified of revealing to my parents my yearning to get on top; I didn’t want to hear their skeptical comments or another speech of my unrealistic expectations (They never would put me down intentionally, they were just very down to earth people and tended to expect the worst). Of course, I knew that regardless, they would support my desire to work hard if I brought it up, but the last thing I wanted to do is disappointed them.

This went on throughout the summer:the vacillation between wanting to excel and feel smart again, and my fear of failure and embarrassing myself. Eventually, I did the thing that made most sense in this situation, and decided to waste my summer chilling with my friends at the pool and making bead bracelets. Smooth, Kristie, smooth.

TIP: Fear of failure is one’s worst enemy. Never let this hold you back in your pursuit of your dreams. Just think, if you don’t try, there’s no chance that you’ll achieve what you want and you will always be plagued with the “whatif I tried” thought. Even if you try and fail, you will be at peace with yourself in the fact that you gave it everything you had and you can move on in life with no regrets. The fear of embarrassment and the judgement of others is also deadly and has held me back in many walks of life. When working toward something you really want, disregard everyone around you and remember the end goal. When you are unsure of what course of action you should take, take a minute and consider the long run and where you want to be in a few years. When debating whether I should spend my summer working toward future academic success or to just hang out, I should have thought about what I really wanted: a successful school year, or the temporary relief of avoiding potential failure or embarrassment through short term gratification .

First Summer Legally Blind

The first summer with my visual impairment went more or less smoothly. I spent a few weeks in China and the rest at summer camp. My eye condition only had two real impacts on me that summer; first, my parents forced me wear sunglasses everywhere I went to protect my eyes from UV ray damage. To make matters worse, my mom bought me these super expensive high end sunglasses from Oakley’s- I think she believed that this would encourage me to feel more confident in sunglasses and hence wear them more, but instead they summoned an adverse effect. Thanks to the Oakley’s I stood out from the already noticed small group of kids wearing the typical $10 sunglasses and felt like that ostentatious rich girl who was trying to act cool and older than I was. Of course my close friends, whom I went to camp with didn’t give them any notice, but I did manage to elicit quite a few undesired stares and unwarranted comments form campers and counselors alike.

The second impact was that my parents switched me from tennis camp to performing arts camp without my consent. Let me retract and say I had, and still do, a huge passion for tennis, and my all time dream was to become the “next Maria Sharapova” (I was 10, okay??). When I heard of this, I was enraged. Their logic was that I would not be able to see the tennis ball and more importantly lose more vision from soaking in the sun for two weeks. My first thought was THEN WHAT ARE THESE SUNGLASSES FOR? But in all seriousness, after my anger subsided a bit, I thought “am I not allowed to be out in the sun anymore? Am I no longer allowed to play outside with my friends, go to the beach, and swim outside?” Luckily, performing arts camp wasn’t too bad. I had friends there and didn’t mind hanging out in an air-conditioned room all day.

After camp, I took a three-week trip to China, which aside from another eye appointment to confirm my condition, was like every other vacation I had in the past when I was sighted. My parents did let loose a bit and allowed me to enjoy outdoor activities such like climbing the Great Wall of China and boating. I came back a few days before school started, excited for the last year of elementary school and expecting everything to be normal.

TIP: It is important to get the care suggested for you or your child’s eye condition to prevent worsening of the vision. I applaud my parents for immediately buying me a pair UV protective sunglasses and pushing me to wear them. However, it is unnecessary to treat your child any differently than if they were sighted. This may even make them feel uncomfortable and abnormal, which may cause them to isolate themselves form their sighted peers. Additionally, if you are a parent, if your child’s vision declines to a point where they can no longer engage in an activity, or if certain activities are no longer safe, make sure to talk with him or her before quitting. Additionally, I suggest replacing the activity with another so your child doesn’t feel that their blindness is preventing them for living life to its fullest. If you are the one losing vision and finding yourself unable to participate in activities you love, don’t give up on activities all together and sit on the couch all day. Find a similar hobby that you can still do. For example, if your vision no longer allows you play football, channel your passion for the sport into something else such as running or wrestling. Remember to never pity yourself on what you can’t do, but instead appreciate and enjoy what you can do. 🙂